"You are enough!”
"All you have to do is accept yourself for who you are!"
"Love your body even with all it’s flaws!"
These are common suggestions proposed by the self help/personal development field that leave us even more frustrated, discouraged and riddled with shame and guilt than if we tried to do nothing about who we are in the first place.
These blanked statements just drive you further down the hole of “not enoughness” because it leaves you wondering:
"Why don’t I feel I am enough?"
"Why can’t I accept myself?"
"Why do I hate my body instead of love it?"
It’s like telling a person who is depressed to Just smile! and think positive!
“Suck a bag of dicks asshole”
Great advice isn't it?
I’ve been thinking about this for quite some now as the majority of my 1-1 my clients struggle with making the physical change they wish to see because it’s not so much about “doing the work” but relating to ourselves as the one who is doing it.
Self love, self acceptance and body positivity are such elusive concepts because they are for the most part non-tangible in nature.
How then do we measure and compare or match up in order to feel as if we’ve fulfilled these values?
What I have found is that feelings around this always come back to our underlying action and the pursuit of our values and standards.
Settling for self love, self acceptance and body positivity below your standards, potential and ability further perpetuates your feelings of lack and insecurity around them.
It creates delusion that betrays who you are leading you further away from who you want to be.
What does self-love come down to?
There’s no higher form of love than deciding how you’re going to treat yourself.
Physically mentally and emotionally.
By honoring your desires, promises and commitments you’re acting in your best interest.
You’re going to feel a hell of a lot better about who you are now and where you are going if you start doing this more often.
“This is where I am right now and who I am being right now.”
So if I want to change that I’m going to have to be real with myself and stop lying to myself about myself about whats REALLY happening.
Self acceptance doesn't mean settling.
It doesn't mean stop trying to be someone better and of more value.
It certainly doesn't mean you have to be ok with who you are if you're NOT being who you want to be.
Trying to accept who you are when you’re not someone who is currently worth being is like repeatedly punching yourself in the face and pretending to be cool with it.
It’s not going to work so stop it. (Unless you like it but then you’ve got all sorts of other fucked up to worry about)
This one’s a real bitch because there will always be someone out there who is hotter, younger and better looking than you are and you will always want to be that person.
There are some things you can’t change such as
The effect that time and gravity have on your body (although you can slow it down or reverse it)
Who your parents are and when they decided to have sex they made who you are now
So let’s stop complaining about that.
So what do you do?
You could spend a ton of time judging the shit out of yourself in front of the mirror looking at your cellulite, shaking your arms around and wondering why that fat won’t go away over the top of your bra.
You can really decide to commit to changing the way you look and you CAN do a lot even if what you’ve done in the past hasn't worked for you.
When you decide to do this and your stomach is flatter, your arms are tighter and your butt is less droopy.
You’ve just gained some body positivity.
You can’t outthink your way around this stuff by trying to read books and “change your mindset”
You’re going to have to put in the work and decide whether you’e going to do something about it or try and convince yourself that you’re happy with who you are now.
I’ve tried the latter, it doesn't work and the more you try it the more miserable you will be.
What does though is showing up consistently and persistently making yourself better than you were yesterday.
If you continue to do this you’re going to go a long way.